Day 5: Ponds, Pancakes, and Petty Theft

The biggest event of the day was the men's 1000m long track race - where Jordan Stolz of team USA threw down the gauntlet and set an Olympic record on the way to his first Gold of the games. This guy learned to speed skate on a backyard pond in Wisconsin after watching Apolo Anton Ohno in the 2010 Olympics.  (Apparently the only two weeks his parents let Jordan and his sister watch TV!) My Verona celebrates the pond of points opening up for their team!

Distant relative, thrice removed, Jenning De Boo of the Netherlands finished with a silver for TASMWTAM.

Elsewhere around the games:

• Alpine skiing - Franjo von Allmen grabs his THIRD gold medal of the games for Ice Ice Penne, what a clutch pick. Marco Odermatt held on for the Bronze for John the Baptist.  Schrimscetti Skis had Dominik Paris as a hopeful medalist for this event, but his ski fell off mid run! 
  
  
• Nordic Combined had their first event, with Oftebro of Blades of Glory-ish taking the gold, and Lamparter of Schrimscetti Skis gets the silver
  
  
• Freestyle Skiing - Women's moguls - Jaelin Kauf of USA gets the silver for TASMWTAM and Perrine Laffont of France gets the Bronze for Schrimscetti Skis.
  
  
• Figure Skating - Ice Dance finals - plenty of controversy with these judges, but USA's Chock and Bates finish second to the French. Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds is disappointed. Chock and Bates looked ticked off. The French team are full of scandal, and I'm sure the news cycle will continue with this one. To be honest, the figure skating is kind of getting old already.
  
  
• Men's and Women's double luge - one of the strangest events - where it's a human pancake stacked on top of a luge sled.
  Some ideas just can just be left on the drawing table...
  
  
  
  
  Both events blasted down the tracks today, and the home team of Italy won both the men's and women's gold.  Not drafted by any of our teams, only Bronze medals given out to us - to Blades of Glory-ish and TASMWTAM.
  
  The Babylon Bee wondered how extreme the event could become...
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Biathlon - Julia Simon of France secures her second Gold of the games for Schrimscetti Skis, and Lou Jeanmonnot won the silver for Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds.
  
  However, Julia Simon does carry a lot of controversy. She has been caught stealing her trainer's credit card and her teammate's credit card on multiple occasions - spending over 2000 euros on her teammate's card. She has denied the offense repeatedly, until evidence of photos of the credit cards saved on her phone convinced her to admit guilt. Although she hasn't really accepted blame: "I confess the accusations but I don’t remember committing them," she said at the time. "It’s like a blackout." Simon explained at the time that she found her actions "incomprehensible" and that she was "working with a psychologist to understand what happened." 
  
  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
  
  The French biathlon federation gave her a weak punshiment that didn't affect her ability to qualify for the Olympics - special treatment for a winner.
  
  Simon made a "shhhh" sign as she crossed the finish line, trying to silence her haters.
  
  
  
  
  In reality - she created so many more.

Despite a strong day from many teams, Ice Ice Penne stays on top of the standings for another day:

My Verona blasts out of the cellar, likely not looking back.  Schrimscetti Skis now has the most medals won of our teams, right on the heels of first place.  

Onto Day 6!

Day 4: It was a good day.

 Team USA had a solid day overall - scoring 5 medals, as well as the women's hockey team absolutely curb stomping Canada 5-0! A good day, but getting some Golds would have made it a great day.

One of the medals was a silver won by Ben Ogden, from a small town in Vermont with plenty of open space to learn cross-country skiing.  Ben won the first US medal in Cross Country in 50 years! Incredible effort to compete with the dominant Norwegians.

Klaebo did win Gold as expected for Norway and Schrimscetti Skis.

Unfortunately, the USA mixed doubles curling team (The Coreys) fell short on the last shot of the gold medal match.  They played extremely well in a close match, but were bested by the brother-sister team from Sweden.  Isabella Wrana was an absolute assassin with the stones, hitting 98% of her shots in a gold medal worthy performance.  Here's Darth Glasses, going for the kill:

Hard to overcome the ferocity.

TASMWTAM did pick up the Bronze as Constantini/Moser of Italy secured a medal after their home disappointment loss to the Coreys yesterday.

In another disappointing finish in Alpine Skiing, Michaela Shiffrin was paired with Breezy Johnson for the combined event, and Breezy delivered another #1 time in the downhill portion.  All Shiffrin had to do was hold serve through the slalom, an event that she has won 7 of 8 in the past years, and finished 2nd in the 8th race.  Today, she was 14th. Another Olympic disaster for Shiffrin, who we all hope can get her groove back for the individual events upcoming.  The finish was so bad that the team finished in 4th.  This did open up the bronze medal position for the USA "B team" of Wiles and Moltzan, who snuck in for the medal!  This is no solace for Blades of Glory-ish, who drafted Shiffrin and acheived no glorious points in this event.  No one received any medals from our teams, in an event that saw 10 DNFs recorded.

In Luge, Schrimscetti Skis continued their strong day, with a gold from Julia Taubitz of Austria. USA finally got their second women's Luge medal ever with Ashley Farquharson sliding in for the Bronze!

Elsewhere around the games:

• Ski Jumping - Slovenia finally got up to throw down some mega jumps as expected, securing the mixed team Gold for Im-Pasta-Bowl and TASMWTAM. Blades of Glory-ish landed a Bronze from Japan.
• Cross-Country Skiing also had the women's sprint event, with a SWEDE SWEEP. Only one of us drafted the right Swede though, and that was My Verona, who gets the gold from Linn Svahn (not the NFL hall of fame WR).
• Biathlon Men's 20km gave a gold to Botn of My Verona, and a silver to Perrot of Ice Ice Penne, but the Bronze was won by Sturla Holm Laegreid of Norway, who took the opportunity to awkwardly confess in the post-race interview that his girlfriend of 6 months broke up with him after finding out he cheated on her after 3 months, but now he's distraught about it and thought embarassing himself in front of the whole world would make her see how much he's sorry.
  
  
  
  
  
  I think if anyone HAD drafted him, this would have met criteria for the rule covering embarassing online post resulting in a deduction.  This same guy was in major trouble in Beijing 2022 for discharging his biathlon rifle in his hotel.  We MAJORLY dodged a bullet, and I think his former girlfriend did, too.
  
  
• Short track had their first medal event, the mixed team relay - lots of points and took quite a bit of research!
  
  Gold to Italy for John the Baptist and It's Jamaican Bobsled time!
  
  Silver to Canada and Ice Ice Penne, My Verona, and Blades of Glory-ish. Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds also gets a Silver because Steven Dubois skated with the Canadaian team in the Semi Finals and also is awarded the medal.
  
  In a strange turn of events with Fantasy Olympics implications, there was a Final A and a Final B.  Final A was the main race - the 4 teams qualified for this in prior heats and determined the medal winnners.  Final B was somewhat of a consolation race.  The Netherlands won Final B and did not get a medal, but they DID set an Olympic record time, faster than any team in Final A.  That awards 5 bonus points to TASMWTAM and Schrimscetti Skis!

After all of those points totaled up, here's what you've been waiting for:

WHEW what a day! The Olympics is the gift that keeps on giving!

Day 3: Record Setting Races

 In one of the marquee events for our Fantasy Olympics, we get some of the high-speed Long Track Speed Skating blasting off with the Women's 1000m final.  In one of the new wrinkles to the rules this year, I'm counting Olympic or World Records set at any point as eligible for the 5pt bonus.  Interestingly, during this exciting event, this created an opportunity for Femke Kok, a competitor for Ice Ice Penne (NED) to set an Olympic Record, and then to have that record only stand for about 10 minutes before Jutta Leerdam of Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds surpassed her teammate from the Netherlands and set a NEW Olympic record, taking the gold medal. Miho Takagi of Schrimscetti Skis took the Bronze, but no Olympic record on this day.  In all that means it's a 15pt GOLD, 10pt SILVER and 3pt bronze.

I also learned during the broadcast that Jutta Leerdam is engaged to Jake Paul, who I have seen before is a boxer that fought Mike Tyson on Netflix, and my kids pointed out he "invented PRIME" the drink.  PRIME is gross and was once beloved by middle schoolers (but no longer?). This sequence of connections is pretty strange, and he posted this image, which was close, but technically incorrect. 

Consider yourself caught up on pop culture now.

What really popped today was the semi-finals of the mixed doubles curling event. Team USA's electric pair of Cory and Korey had to face the defending Olympic champions, Italy, on home ice in back to back matches today.  First, to finish out group play, which they narrowly lost playing it too safe toward the end of the match.  Then, they took the lesson and had to face Italy again in the semifinals of the playoff.

In the playoff, the Coreys pushed and curled and yelled and brushed their way through each end, at one point capitalizing on the Italian's mistakes and scoring 3 points.  The pressure set up a decisive final 8th end where they held the hammer. With the final rock, they could have played it safe and secured a tie to force additional play, or go for the win.  This time, they didn't play it safe and let skill rule the day, clearing out two rocks to give them 2 points and the decisive victory, putting Team USA from also-ran status to the Gold Medal match tomorrow.  The heavily favored Italians (of TASMWTAM) are forced to compete for a disappointing Bronze medal tomorrow. The only other mixed doubles team drafted, Norway of Ice Ice Penne, were frozen out and did not make the playoffs.
But we can all say GO USA tomorrow!

Ski Jumping had the men's normal hill finals, and NONE of the favorites even came close to the podium.  In a wild final, Philipp Raimund of Germany took the Gold after never winning a previous event anywhere on the Ski Jumping World Cup tour.  Peaking at the right time...
There was even a tie for third, so 4 medals awarded, but none to our drafted athletes.  Perhaps the "enhancing" scandal brought to light before the games started scared off some competitors. Today, it was truly the size of the jump that mattered.

Elsewhere around the games:

• Freestyle Skiing - Elieen Gu (traitor who disavowed her US citizenship to compete for China), took Silver for It's Jamaican Bobsled time in Slopestyle
• Alpine Skiing - The Men's Team Combined saw Franjo von Allmen take home another gold for Ice Ice Penne, Silvers to the Austrian Duo of Vincent Kriechmayr of Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds and Manuel Feller of TASMWTAM, and Bronze to Marco Odermatt of John the Baptist

Nowwwwwwww, we can take a look at the scoreboard:

Ice Ice Penne continues a commanding start....My Verona I'm sure is frustated by the initial gains.  However...My Verona has Jordan Stolz waiting in the wings for his first opportunity on the ice - the Wisconsin juggernaut is coming and could flip the script quickly. It's not even halftime - no Bad Bunny needed when you have a Bad Badger on the way.

The Price of Victory

 Without a doubt, the top story to start the day was Lindsey Vonn's terrible crash...airlifted again off a mountain for the second time in a month.  The Winter Olympic sports are full of insane risks, drops, falls, and literal blades that provide life-altering danger at every moment.  Lindsey Vonn knew those risks, and knew the stakes of missing out on everything she trained for if she didn't give it a try.  We all hope that Vonn will be able to recover well, but, beyond any injury, there is heartbreak for her on this day that may never heal.

Breezy Johnson experienced this same heartbreak on this same course where they skiied today back in 2022.  She crashed just prior to the 2022 Beijing Olympics in Cortina, and had to withdraw from the Olympics.  Her Olympic dream could have been over, but today she was able to return to the mountain that broke her with a chance to risk it all again.  Today, Breezy broke through and secured Olympic glory for her and for team USA. Redemption that was only possible after risking it all again.

The mountain giveth, the mountain taketh away.

What she also took away was a gold medal from any of our teams - Sofia Goggia was the Italian hopeful to win for the home fans, but came up short with a Bronze for Schrimscetti Skis.

The well-named Schrimscetti Skis continued a solid day on the sticks, taking home the GOLD in Cross country Skiathlon, as Klaebo delivers the first of his many expected medals in these games for Norway.  Nyenget, also of Norway, scored the Bronze for TASMWTAM. (Sorry, these Norwegian names have a lot of letters and I'd be typing until the morning, so we'll start using some last names)

The Biathlon Mixed relay dropped some serious points onto the scoreboard:

• France took the GOLD, giving 10 pts to Ice Ice Penne, Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds, and Schrimscetti Skis.
  
• Italy took the silver, giving 5 points to Blades of Glory-ish, My Verona, and John the Baptist.
• Germany edged the Norwegians for the Bronze, which kept any of our other teams from securing points.

John the Baptist landed the only Snowboarding medal of the day in Parallel Giant Slalom with Benjamin Karl slashing his way to Gold.

Luge finished the Men's singles competition, with Max Langenhan of It's Jamaican Bobseld Time zooming past everyone and scoring the upset win for Gold.  Bobsled knows his sliders, apparently.  Jonas Mueller finshed in Silver position for Ice Ice Penne.  Felix Loch of Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds could only climb back to 6th position after a disappointing first day.  
Maybe the bigger impact is that these finishes flip much of the medal earning potential - Loch's games are seemingly over, since Langenhan is most likely to take the mixed-team relay spot for Germany as the higher finisher.  I am not pleased.  Bobsled on the other hand is overjoyed and very much "I told you so"-ing.

And finally, the team Figure Skating event concluded, with a dramatic day of skating from the pairs, women's and men's singles. 

Kaori Sakamoto of Japan and Schrimscetti Skis did her best to make it close, planting some seeds of doubt about who is the best team in the minds of the judges as she skated to "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien," of Inception fame. Her dream sequence ended in a tie for first between Japan and the USA heading to the final skating showdown with the Men. 
Ilia Malanin stepped up when his country needed him - throwing down quads and even a backflip. Performing a backflip in Figure Skating was BANNED for 50 years until 2 years ago in competitive figure skating, as it's an incredibly dangerous feat (blades!!), and it's awarded no points.  Famously. Sonya Bonaly of France threw a backflip in her routine during the 1998 Olympics out of spite, frustrated over questionable judging critques.  She wowed the crowd but the judges DEDUCTED points for the backflip.  Now, Malinin just does it because he can. Final boss move.  Also, a final boss move to perform your routine while speaking weird inspirational words in your own voice over the music playing.  So strange, but effective.  

Japan's skater made it close, but Malinin ended up scoring 6 more points and brought home the Gold for Team USA. Silver landed for Japan and Bronze for Italy.  Points were awarded to every team EXCEPT My Verona, sorry guys - the only team without a US or Japanese skater. Canada finshed a disappointing 5th.

Onto Day 3!

Day 1: Need for Speed

 Coming out of the draft, one team was very confident in their picks - Ice Ice Penne took that confidence and converted into multiple medals on day 1, setting their sites on the ultimate prize.  

Day 1 rocketed to a fast start with the Men's Downhill race in Alpine Skiing.  This saw many of our competitors facing off.  With speeds reaching over 90 mph, Franjo von Allmen of Ice Ice Penne surpassed his Swiss country-mate, Marcus Odermatt of John the Baptist by 0.7 seconds to take the lead! However, the Swiss podium ended with some holes in it, as the home Italians surged to take the silver and bronze positions.  Schrimscetti Skis took the bronze won by Dominik Paris, staying on brand.

Cross-Country Skiing started the avalanche of scheduled events on its calendar with the women's Skiathlon.  In what will be the first of many battles between the noodle-themed foes, the Swedes skiied smoothly and slid like spaghetti into first and second place -  Frida Karlsson of Ice Ice Penne scored another gold for the team, while Ebba Andersson led for much of the race, but faded to the silver for Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds.

Here's the standings after Day 1:

Team	Gold	Silver	Bronze	Total Points
Ice Ice Penne	2	0	0	20
Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds	0	2	0	10
It's Jamaican Bobsled Time!	0	1	0	5
Schrimscetti Skis	0	0	1	3
Twizzling and Salchowing My Way to a Medal (TASMWTAM)	0	0	0	0
My Verona	0	0	0	0
John the Baptist	0	0	0	0
Blades of Glory-ish	0	0	0	0

Other winners were:

• Ragne Wiklund skated well for Jamaican Bobsled Time, but ultimately were beat out by an Olympic record performance on home ice by Francesca Lollobrigida of Italy, who was not expected to win! Wiklund takes the silver.
  
  
• Nika Prevc narrowly missed the gold in women's Ski Jumping, giving another silver to Im-Pasta-Bowl Odds. NO enchancements to speak of in this competition.

Many other qualifying events and first portions of the competition got underway - one time on Gold Zone there was 6 events at once on the screen! Personally, we saw the US women dominate Finland in hockey, though hopefully no one contracted the famous norovirus that had Finland without enough players to start a game earlier this week.  No puking on the ice, at least. I also watched my Luge pick, Felix Loch, perform absolutely terribly, and likely off the podium already with two more runs to go.  Clearly too much partying at the opening ceremonies...

On to Day 2!

2026 Fantasy Olympics Draft

 Welcome everyone to the 2026 Milano Cortina Olympics!  Thank you all for attending the 2026 draft last night. We're going to be served a deep dish of medals over the next two weeks, so get ready for the action!

Here's the projected points after the draft - congrats to Twizzling on the "best draft night," but we all know the Olympics are wildly unpredictable!  It's going to need to be extremely unpredictable for Jamaican Bobsled time to overcome the deficit, but we will see how the events unfold.

CITIUS. ALTIUS. FORTIUS.

Day 16: Ring the Bell!

One of the coolest parts of the track and field finals was that each champion got to ring a giant bell that sent the crowd into a frenzy, and provided one more opportunity to celebrate their monumental achievement. The bell is going to be hung in the carillion at the Notre Dame cathedral, as they are rebuilding after the fire.

So for us, in the Fantasy Olympiad, it's time to RING THAT BELL.

CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA

Hunchback of the Swimming Lane entered his 7th Fantasy Olympiad, never claiming the crown. However, in Paris, Quasimodo went WIRE TO WIRE by claiming 27 gold medals and finshing with 374 points. He claims the Golden Eiffel Tower statue.

Eiffel Power started slow, but powered up the standings day after day, to finish on the podium once again - her gold medal total was second at 22 wins. She will wear the Silver Sequined Beret.

Team de Triomphe remained a contender throughout, but fell upon some bad luck, ending with the highest Bronze total at 12. A couple of those convert higher, and she's in second place. Nevertheless, she claims the coveted Bronze prize - the Snoopa Lisa. Hang it in the Louvre!

If you are interested in more stats, I'll post some breakdown below with the top performers and worst performers.  Interestingly, looking back to the estimated standings at the end of the draft, the same three teams were projected to win, just not in the same order. If you recall, Team de Triomphe did have the #1 overall pick, but Hunchback was relegated to the #10 pick.  

Hunchback's team ends within 3 points of the projected total - I don't think anything like that has ever happened before!  It does not mean that each projection came true - far from it - but I ended up with many overperformers that ended up being good value picks in the end. 

Don't Ledecky by far has the worst luck, with a -162 underperformance.  Athletic Avengers not far behind at -143. Time to invest in a national performance enhancement program.

AU REVOIR FROM PARIS 2024!

SEE YOU IN TORINO 2026 and LA 2028!

CUE THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

Final Medals awarded:

HANDBALL

• GOLD - Denmark Men - Team de Triomphe
• SILVER - Germany Men - Eiffel Power
• BRONZE - Spain Men - Athletic Avengers

; Ir

WATER POLO

• GOLD - Serbia Men - Hunchback of the Swimming Lane
• SILVER - Croatia Men - Seine Superstars

BASKETBALL

• GOLD - USA Women - Don't Ledecky Us Get Hot
• BRONZE - Australia Women - Golden Beret

VOLLEYBALL

• GOLD - Italy Women - Synchronized Race Walkers
• SILVER - USA Women - Macronian Cheese

WEIGHTLIFTING

• GOLD - China Women - Synchronied Race Walkers

WRESTLING

• GOLD - Japan Women, Seine Superstars
• SILVER - Iran Men, Eiffel Power
• BRONZE - Azerbaijan Men, Athletic Avengers; Iran Men, Eiffel Power

CYCLING

• GOLD - Harrie Lavreysen, Netherlands - Hunchback of the Swimming Lane (TRIPLE GOLD in the games!)
• BRONZE - Emma Finucane, Great Britain - Team de Triomphe
• SILVER - Lea Friedrich, Germany - Golden Beret

TOP PERFORMERS

These are all the 31 selections that scored higher than 20 points - team sports max at 20 for gold, and some have a relative max of 20 if someone is in 2 events, or wins in singles and doubles/team. 

My Uzbek boxing team proved to be an elite wildcard pick, but they didn't even start compeition until the last few days. I ended with great value from 7 of the 31 selections on this list, when an average would have been 3 per team.

OUT-PERFORMERS

These competitors all secured MORE points than they were projected - led by none other than the Finned Frenchman himself, Leon Marchand.  Synchronized Race Walkers clearly displayed their prowess in eyeing talent, having the top 3 on the board.

AGONY OF DEFEAT

Here's who to blame the most for your team finishing off the podium.  Unfortunately, the Synchronized Race Walkers didn't need to be on the top of this list, as well. The Japan women's Judo team did not live up to the billing, falling just short in too many matches. Japan also takes the second spot, with the disappointing showing from Gymnast Daiki Hasimoto.  Whichever gymnast is chosen by Macronian Cheese in the next games, look out - this is twice in a row they have terrible luck in selecting a "sure thing" gymnast that doesn't deliver.

Despite the performances that didn't pan out, these games proved to be filled with all the drama, unpredictability, and epic performances that truly did wow us all.  Once again the Olympics have captivated us all.  These memories mark the time in our lives.  My age is now older than the number of Summer Olympics that have ever occurred.  We only get so many opportunities to witness this spectacle, and I am thankful once again to get to journey along with you all. 

Until next time...CITIUS, ALTIUS, FORTIUS